A Note About This Page
I used the Information and FAQ pages from AVEN (The Asexuality Visibility and Education Network) to structure this page. However, much of what I have written is my own work; I wanted to give a personal perspective on what asexuality is. In case that doesn't make it obvious, what follows on this page is my opinion and I do not claim to speak for anyone else.
However, AVEN still deserves credit, and anyone who wishes to know more about asexuality should visit their site. Those who are really interested in getting a range of perspectives from asexual people should perhaps join the AVEN forum; they're a friendly bunch and will answer your questions (and you will get cake, too).
What is Asexuality?
An asexual is someone who does not experience sexual attraction. It does not necessarily have anything to do with sexual drive (arousal), although many asexuals do not consider themselves to have a sex drive either. The majority of people experience sexual attraction to potential partners of a certain gender or people of all genders. Asexuals do not experience sexual attraction to anyone. They may experience romantic and/or aesthetic attraction, but these things do not stir any desire for sexual contact. What constitutes sexual contact and attraction varies vastly amongst the asexual community. Although there is much debate on the subject, I believe - as most asexuals do - that asexuality is a valid sexual orientation.
Asexuality is not celibacy. Celibacy (or abstinence) is the practice of actively choosing not to act on sexual desires. An asexual person genuinely does not experience those desires. Neither is asexuality the same thing as anti-sexuality (hatred of sex/sexuality) or auto-sexuality (when someone only experiences sexual attraction to themselves).
What's it like to be asexual?
I have been in a relationship with someone who I am still very close to. Let's say that this person is asexual; he has no interest in sex, at any rate. When we were a couple, we would hold hands, cuddle, go on dates, watch movies together, kiss and tickle each other. We even had some kinky conversations. But at no point was there the suggestion or thought that the relationship would turn sexual. I was at ease. I have been on dates with sexual guys and, even though they weren't aggressive, the sexual undertone was definitely there and it put me off.
I get dressed up and go for a night out now and again; my lack of nights out are because I'm an introvert, not because of my sexuality. If I see someone cute, I sometimes flirt a little. However, if I get propositioned by someone, I politely turn him/her down. Sometimes I say that I'm not single. Sometimes I say that I'm a lesbian (if it's a guy) or straight (if it's a girl), purely to avoid difficult conversations. Yes, I have occasionally said, "I'm asexual." The responses have ranged from, "That's so cool!" to "What's wrong with you?" I have come to the point at which I don't care much either way. I'm me, and the only expert on me is, well, me.
I don't have a weird phobia or aversion to anything to do with sex. I just have no desire to do those things with another human being; if that bothers you, I'm afraid that's your problem. I'm happy the way I am. I have a huge Eye Candy collection which consists of mainly men but some women. It includes all types of people, from game characters to actresses and musicians. I chose all of them because of their aesthetic appeal. I don't fantasise about them, nor would I jump on them if I met them. I just like to look at them, as I would a painting.
How do you know you're asexual?
At the age when all the girls were into boys, I wasn't interested. When I heard other girls talking about their alleged sexual escapades, I never felt envious or pressured. I listened with a detached interest or I didn't listen at all. By the time I'd reached my mid-teens, I had been asked out by boys and had been on a date or two, but physical intimacy didn't interest me at all. When I realised that the guys were interested in getting physical, I backed out.
Before long, I began to question whether I liked girls instead, but the idea of being physically intimate with a girl was no more appealing to me. I went through a period of wondering why I was so different from everyone else, forcing myself to engage in things such as kissing (with both genders) because everyone else seemed to like it. Each time, I felt as though I was violating myself. There was no way that I would have gone farther than kissing. Why would I, when I didn't even enjoy that?
One day, my friend said to me, "Do you think you might be asexual?" This led to a search during which I found AVEN, the online asexuality community. I am no longer active in the community because I'm not a community person, but to find that there were others like me was a huge relief, and for a while I appreciated being able to talk to people who understood. It gave me the courage to tell my family and close friends who now accept me for who I am.
Why do you hate sex?
I'm not a prude, nor do I belong to a religion that spurns sex - on the contrary, the religion that I belong to holds sex and lust in high regard. I don't mind hearing about it, talking about it and laughing about it, whether it's someone telling about their experiences or someone telling dirty jokes. I can go to sex shops with my friends and look at what's on sale. I can watch all kinds of porn. In short, I don't hate sex. I'm sure it's great pleasure and lots of fun. I just don't feel the desire to do it with someone else.
How do you know if you haven't tried it?
Let's say that you're 100% straight. How do you know you're straight if you've never had sex with someone of your own gender? You don't have to try something to know that the idea doesn't appeal to you. As for myself, I have made out with people of both genders and that was enough for me. I don't like physical intimacy at all, even when fully clothed, and I don't experience sexual arousal in connection with another person. I think it's safe to say that I wouldn't enjoy sex, and why would I force myself to do something that I'm not naturally inclined to do?
Is it just a phase?
I have been through the phase of wanting to be 'different'. Asexuality was not a part of that. 'Different' usually has some sort of 'cool' appeal or shock value; asexuality has neither. Reactions to the announcement "I'm asexual!" are usually scornful, pitying or argumentative; it is not well-received in society and causes more problems than it solves. It isn't something that people would generally choose as a flag of rebellion, nor is it something that most people could keep up as a lie (unless they naturally had low sex drives). People's sexualities can and do change over time, but it should not be presumed that they are always just a phase. What if someone told you that your sexuality was a phase?
Is it a disorder? Were you abused?
A lack of sexual feeling can, in certain conditions, be caused by psychological disorders, physical complaints or past traumas. It could be that some asexuals fall into one or more of these categories. However, I do not, nor do any of the other asexuals that I've encountered in the online community. I had a happy childhood and, while I went through a phase of sexism towards men, I grew up, educated myself and met some wonderful guys who brought me out of that phase. I'm not a man-hater. I'm not even a feminist. I embrace gender differences. It makes no difference to my sexuality, however.
Of course, I can't speak for the whole asexual community and no great studies have been done on the nature of asexuality. However, it is estimated that 1% of the world's population is asexual. I think the percentage is higher than that. Sexual attraction is not black and white: it runs on a scale. There are undoubtedly people out there who have sex for the sake of their partner but who have an extremely low drive themselves. There are undoubtedly people who just don't have sex. Perhaps some of these people are asexual. The term is a fairly modern and unknown one, and many who discover it are hesitant to apply it to themselves through fear of being 'weird' or 'different'.
It may interest you to know that several small-scale experiments have discovered lack of sexual desire in various animals. Humans can lie on questionnaires and surveys, and they can alter their behaviour to fit in. Animals do not do any of these things. It may also interest you to know that several members of the asexuality community have gone for various hormone tests which came back 'normal' (or whatever the medically correct word is).
Is there a cure?
Well, I hope I've just established that asexuality in itself is not a disorder nor a disease. If you're with me so far, then it follows that there is no 'cure' for it. If, however, you are of the opinion that anything other than heterosexuality is a disease, then I suggest that you go and educate yourself about sexuality before even trying to understand asexuality. Even if a person's sexuality is caused by some kind of physiological condition - which is unlikely - it doesn't need 'curing' unless that person considers it to be a problem.
I find that many people react with pity and a certain desire to 'help' someone who says that they don't like sex. Sometimes this takes the form of basically trying to seduce said person. Imagine, again, that you are as straight as an arrow (perhaps you don't have to imagine). How would you react to someone of the same sex trying to get into your pants, however gently or aggressively? How would you react if they insisted that you'd like it? How would you react if they told you that there was something wrong with you that needed fixing?
Is it because you can't get any?
Believe me, I've had enough offers from both men and women. That includes men who looked like women and women who looked men. I have seen photos of other self-proclaimed asexuals who are very attractive. Heck, if I were sexual, I'd be hitting on some of them ^~ (just kidding).
Is it because you're shy/introverted?
I am more of an introvert purely because I prefer my own company, and I have always been that way. But I am by no means shy. I consider myself a self-assured person who can play the role of a socialite, even a flirt if she wants to. It may be true that many asexuals are shy and/or introverted individuals, but I would suggest that their feelings of alienation due to their sexuality might be part of the reason why. Only when you start to really look around do you realise how much this society is driven by sex. Someone who already feels 'different' will only be pushed away further if he/she doesn't understand what the big deal is. I probably went through this phase before coming to terms with my sexuality and maturing as a person.
Is it because you're scared?
I don't have any fears related to the sexual act in itself, neither do I have issues with emotional intimacy. I am not, by habit, a very emotionally intimate person, but I do have a few people in my life with whom I share a close relationship. Physical intimacy simply does not interest me. That doesn't mean that it scares me.
Maybe you haven't met the right person.
I don't cling to my asexuality label like a comfort blanket. If my feelings change someday, I will embrace that change. Similarly, if I meet someone to whom I'm sexually attracted, I will act on those desires. But it has never happened yet, even though I'm almost twenty and have met several guys to whom I was attracted in other ways. I think I have reason to call myself asexual. If it's only temporary, what does it matter? I'm talking about the way I am right now.
What about love and relationships?
Sexuality has nothing to do with love. It is possible to have sex without love and it is possible to have love without sex. Some asexuals - myself included - have no desire for a relationship or any form of physical intimacy. I even hate hugging and holding hands. But many asexuals consider themselves very affectionate and want a relationship with varying degrees of physical contact; the limits vary from person to person, with some asexuals even willing to have sex for the sake of their partner.
The problem is that asexuals are in the minority and the only community is online, making it difficult to find another asexual person at all, let alone one with whom you would want to be in a relationship. I've heard that some asexuals have even relocated for the sake of a relationship with another asexual. However, because of the imbalance, many asexuals do end up in relationships with sexual people and it seems that some of them make it work. There are several theoretical ways to overcome the potential problems. The sexual partner can give up sex or stick to masturbation. The asexual partner can agree to have a certain amount of sex. Alternatively, the sexual partner can find other people to fulfill the sexual side of the relationship (preferably with his/her partner's knowledge and consent). You can decide how well each of these methods would work.
Ultimately, there are many ways to show intimacy. Use your imagination!
Are asexuals lonely or unhappy?
Realising that you're different can and does make many people feel unhappy. Personally, I was never unhappy until I started looking around at other people and wondering why I didn't enjoy the things that they enjoyed. Forgive me for being patronising, but this is simply a mark of insecurity rather than a real reflection on whether or not my asexuality makes me unhappy. Maturity ideally brings the confidence and self-awareness to say, "This is me. If I'm not like 'most people', that's fine." I am glad that I have come to that point.
Through the time I spent interacting with others in the asexuality community, I realised that I'm quite lucky in that I don't desire an intimate relationship and I'm more than happy to be single. I'm sure there are probably asexual people out there who hate their sexuality, deny it and do all they can to change it. On the other side of the coin, I have also spoken to sexual people who have told me that they wish they were asexual for all the problems that sex can cause. Overall, I'd say that asexuals are probably no more lonely or unhappy than other people.
Why tell anyone?
In this sex-saturated society, the topic of sex and sexuality often comes up in everyday conversations. It is usually taken as given that the participants of the conversation have either had sex or want to have sex someday. If you are a 'closet' asexual, sitting amongst a group of friends while they discuss sex, what do you do? Do you try to find something to say? Do you try your best to look interested while staying silent? What will happen if you decide to speak up about your sexuality?
Open-mindedness, free thought and a love of bullshit are rife in this day and age. The majority of people are eager to present themselves as open to new ideas, tolerant and accepting of all. But I often find that asexuality hits the ceiling, even with these 'open-minded' people. To the majority of the population, sex is something as essential as food and water. It is a base instinct which can't be denied. That is why it's almost incomprehensible that someone doesn't experience sexual desires.
Many people follow the general rules of ignorance when confronted with something that they don't understand. They deny that asexuality exists. They laugh, thinking that you're joking. Sometimes they tell you to see a doctor - by the way, I have seen doctors, counsellors and psychologists in the past who have not batted an eyelid when I mentioned that I was asexual. They tell you that you haven't met the right person or that you're a late bloomer. What they are essentially doing is applying their own conditions to yours. It doesn't work and they often remain ignorant whilst the asexual feels isolated and insulted.
The only way to prevent the situations and reactions that I have just described is to educate society in a big way, make asexuality public and let people know that it exists. When that happens, that will be the dawn of true sexual freedom.
You're missing out.
There are probably a lot of awesome things in life that you're missing out on, too. Someone with a foot fetish will tell you that you're missing out, as will someone who has a deep-seated, passionate love for bird-watching. Each to their own.
Further Information
This list is not comprehensive.
• The Asexuality Visibility and Education Network
• Asexuality on Wikipedia
• CNN Study: 1 in 100 Adults Asexual
• BBC Feature on Asexuality
• Salon Feature on Asexuality
• New Scientist Feature on Asexuality
• LiveJournal Community
• New Zealand Asexuality Community
• Suite101 Feature on Asexuality
• gURL.com Feature on Asexuality
• Asexuality as 'Fourth Sexual Orientation'
• 'No Sex Please, I'm Not Into It'
• Salon Feature on Asexuality
• New Scientist Feature on Asexuality
• Asexuality on Montel
• The Sex and Gender Resource
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